TV Writers

Brian Gongol

Actors get all the credit for great characters, but the writers are the ones who put the words there. These TV writers are worth following and their shows are worth watching:


Writer	Online	Shows/Episodes	Lines
Abner, Allison	@aabner_abner	The West Wing/"The Indians in the Lobby"	"Were we talking about something?" "I don't know, sir. When I came in here back in the late 50s, there was a purpose to it, but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the discussion of anise and coriander and the other 15 spices you like to use to baste the turkey, I simply lost consiousness." "You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?" "I'm coming up on it?" "No, no. Look behind you." "Yes, sir." "Would you like to leave?" "With your permission, sir." "Damn right, with my permission."

Aron, Elijah	Facebook	Better Off Ted/"Change We Can't Believe In"	"The company loves money. If they could, they'd go to strip clubs and throw naked women at money."

Brooker, Charlie	@charltonbrooker	Cunk on Earth/"Faith/Off"	"Rome had become a beacon of Christian faith. But disaster was just around the corner, because the Romans had converted to a religion of peace, just in time to have their ass handed to them by some people who mainly believed in hammers and smashing. They were the Vandals...an ancient group notorious for their appetite for destruction. Like Guns N' Roses."

Burditt, Jack	@jackburditt	30 Rock/"Rosemary's Baby"	Liz Lemon: "I have to do that thing that rich people do where they take money and turn it into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?" Jack Donaghy: "With my eyes closed."

Cannon, Kay	@kaykaycannon	30 Rock/"Christmas Special"	Liz Lemon: "Hey you don't know the Postmaster General, do you?" Jack Donaghy: "I do, but we had a falling-out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd just return Joan Baez's phone calls." Tracy Jordan: "Good, we'll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak."

Carlock, Robert		30 Rock/"Episode 210"	Werner Herzog (in narration): "The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide." Jack Donaghy: "I just can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!"

Cary, Donick		Parks and Recreation/"One in 8,000"	"Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on Quaaludes. And Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach."

Cilauro, Santo		Utopia-Dreamland/"Very Fast Turnover"	Rhonda: Every time we announce a very fast train, 95% of Australians are for it. Tony: And the other 5%? Rhonda: Pfft! Who are they? Tony: [muttering] Engineers, economists, experts in transportation... Rhonda: Eh, the lunatic fringe! Real people love it!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Onwards and Upwards"	Tony: I'll tell you what they do, and this infuriates me. They design them in some sort of meaningless shape or curve and they call them "iconic" or a "landmark building" but that's just a big excuse to put up a big, great...Rhonda, what are you doing? Rhonda: Exactly what you're suggesting! Tony: I didn't suggest anything... Rhonda: We need to make this a landmark! An iconic structure!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"The Whole Enchilada"	Natalie: Is anyone here not from media or PR? Woman 1: Community liaison. Natalie: Anyone involved in actual engineering or construction? Woman 2: Oh, I'd like to think we're all involved in getting a project... Natalie: [interrupting] Does anyone own a hard hat!? Katie: You wanted the team from Perth. Natalie: The construction team! They're all PR and marketing. [sighs] I should have picked it from their iPhone covers. Katie: Isn't that good? Natalie: Katie, we're not trying to sell a road, we're trying to build one. Katie: They said they were running it. Natalie: That's a sign of the times.
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Starting the Conversation"	Natalie: Who are we supposed to be engaging with? Rhonda: Our stakeholders! Natalie: What does that mean, though? Rhonda: What do you think it means? Natalie: The federal government who pay 5 billion dollars for a project. I call them a stakeholder. Rhonda: Yes. Natalie: Construction firms, financial institutions, expert consultants: stakeholders. Rhonda: Tick. Natalie: Some cranky retiree who suddenly discovered Facebook? I call him a pest. Rhonda: We can't afford to ignore anyone. Natalie: We can. Rhonda: No. We need to inform, engage, consult. What's the other one? Hugh: Collaborate? Rhonda: Yes. With all of our stakeholders. Natalie: In order to build what? Rhonda: Engagement! Honestly, when is that going to sink in?

Cocker, Boswell		Archer/"Pipeline Fever"	"Whaling ships? What? He's against clean-burning lamp oil?"

Copeland, Brad	@bradecopeland	Arrested Development/"Sword of Destiny"	Gob Bluth: "That's what I need you for, Michael. I can't perform my illusion at the Gothic Castle because I've been banned from the Magicians' Alliance. I need you to register as the magician and I'm the lowly assistant. Then we get on the stage and you ram the Sword of Destiny into my belly. What do you think?" Michael Bluth: "Really picked up steam there at the end, but I can't. I've gotta teach George Michael how to drive." Tony Wonder: "I want you guys on my next DVD." Gob Bluth: "You want us for 'Use Your Illusion'?" Tony Wonder: "Actually, some band already has got rights to that title, so I'm thinking, like, 'Use Your Illusion 2'." Tony Wonder: "So, I want you guys to be on 'Use Your Illusion', only now it's 'Allusion', with an 'A'. So, if you guys want to put an allusion in there somewhere, like Poe or something...but don't do Poe, 'cause I'm doing Poe." Buster Bluth: "What about Chaucer?" Tony Wonder: [angrily] "Just not Poe, OK?"

Escajeda, Ingrid	@griddlecakes	Better Off Ted/"Beating a Dead Workforce"	"He was like many of us: Sensitive to heat." Veronica Palmer: "Shabba-dabba-dee-doo-dah..." [scatting "Never Gonna Give You Up" in a callback joke]

Feldman, Barbara		Arrested Development/"Spring Breakout"	"She mistook the 'drowsy eye' alcohol warning for a 'winking eye' alcohol suggestion.

Fey, Tina		30 Rock/"Christmas Special"	Liz Lemon: "Hey you don't know the Postmaster General, do you?" Jack Donaghy: "I do, but we had a falling-out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd just return Joan Baez's phone calls." Tracy Jordan: "Good, we'll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak."

Galuska, Kelly	@kellygal LinkedIn	BoJack Horseman/"Hank After Dark"	"I got mixed up in some bad stuff, and a genocide may or may not have been perpetrated in my name." "Earlier, some general asked me if it was a 'go' on that thing we talked about. And I said 'Yes.' He said 'God help us all' and left the room. Now I'm not sure that was the right answer."

Gleisner, Tom	@tomgleisner	Utopia-Dreamland/"Very Fast Turnover"	Rhonda: Every time we announce a very fast train, 95% of Australians are for it. Tony: And the other 5%? Rhonda: Pfft! Who are they? Tony: [muttering] Engineers, economists, experts in transportation... Rhonda: Eh, the lunatic fringe! Real people love it!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Onwards and Upwards"	Tony: I'll tell you what they do, and this infuriates me. They design them in some sort of meaningless shape or curve and they call them "iconic" or a "landmark building" but that's just a big excuse to put up a big, great...Rhonda, what are you doing? Rhonda: Exactly what you're suggesting! Tony: I didn't suggest anything... Rhonda: We need to make this a landmark! An iconic structure!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"The Whole Enchilada"	Natalie: Is anyone here not from media or PR? Woman 1: Community liaison. Natalie: Anyone involved in actual engineering or construction? Woman 2: Oh, I'd like to think we're all involved in getting a project... Natalie: [interrupting] Does anyone own a hard hat!? Katie: You wanted the team from Perth. Natalie: The construction team! They're all PR and marketing. [sighs] I should have picked it from their iPhone covers. Katie: Isn't that good? Natalie: Katie, we're not trying to sell a road, we're trying to build one. Katie: They said they were running it. Natalie: That's a sign of the times.
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Starting the Conversation"	Natalie: Who are we supposed to be engaging with? Rhonda: Our stakeholders! Natalie: What does that mean, though? Rhonda: What do you think it means? Natalie: The federal government who pay 5 billion dollars for a project. I call them a stakeholder. Rhonda: Yes. Natalie: Construction firms, financial institutions, expert consultants: stakeholders. Rhonda: Tick. Natalie: Some cranky retiree who suddenly discovered Facebook? I call him a pest. Rhonda: We can't afford to ignore anyone. Natalie: We can. Rhonda: No. We need to inform, engage, consult. What's the other one? Hugh: Collaborate? Rhonda: Yes. With all of our stakeholders. Natalie: In order to build what? Rhonda: Engagement! Honestly, when is that going to sink in?

Glover, Donald	@donaldglover	30 Rock/"Episode 210"	Werner Herzog (in narration): "The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide." Jack Donaghy: "I just can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!"

Higginbotham, Abraham		Arrested Development/"Spring Breakout"	"She mistook the 'drowsy eye' alcohol warning for a 'winking eye' alcohol suggestion.

Hurwitz, Mitchell	@mitchhurwitz	Arrested Development/"Top Banana" Arrested Development/"Missing Kitty"	"Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?" "Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager." "Wow! I'm Mr. Manager!" "Well, manager. We just say 'manager'." "You want your belt to buckle, not your chair." "As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Senior was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car."

Levenstein, John	@johnlevenstein	Arrested Development/"Top Banana" Arrested Development/"Missing Kitty"	"Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?" "Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager." "Wow! I'm Mr. Manager!" "Well, manager. We just say 'manager'." "You want your belt to buckle, not your chair." "As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Senior was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car."

Lloyd, Stephen		Modern Family/"Snow Ball"

Mande, Joe	JoeMande.com @joemande	Parks and Recreation/"One in 8,000"	"Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on Quaaludes. And Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach."

Reed, Adam		Archer/"Tragical History"	"How is the elevator supposed to work with a jillion pounds of computers on it?" "Who am I, Elisha Otis?"

Saunders, Tom	@tommy_saunders	Arrested Development/"Forget Me Now"	Commercial voice-over: "Are you a CEO, CFO, or other executive facing these or similar charges?" Bob Loblaw: "Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else...noticed? You don't need double-talk. You need Bob Loblaw." Lindsay: "Bob Loblaw is a handsome professional man, and I'm only used to...well, none of those things." Tobias: "OK, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over? An analyst and a therapist. The world's first 'analrapist'." [He pronounces it "uh-NALL-ruh-pist"] Lindsay: "Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards." Tobias: "Yes, no, it did not look good on paper, but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries. I stopped to raise our little daughter." George Michael: "Now you've drugged him and had your way with him. How is that even possible?" Maeby: "No, George Michael. We didn't do anything. I just wanted him to think we did. Don't you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him." George Michael: "Well, I think even the antidrug people are gonna be OK with that." Maeby: "Well, let's get his pants back on."

Sethi, Mehar		BoJack Horseman/"Yes And"	"But improv isn't just about a constant clamoring for attention and validation...it's about community."

Sitch, Rob		Utopia-Dreamland/"Very Fast Turnover"	Rhonda: Every time we announce a very fast train, 95% of Australians are for it. Tony: And the other 5%? Rhonda: Pfft! Who are they? Tony: [muttering] Engineers, economists, experts in transportation... Rhonda: Eh, the lunatic fringe! Real people love it!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Onwards and Upwards"	Tony: I'll tell you what they do, and this infuriates me. They design them in some sort of meaningless shape or curve and they call them "iconic" or a "landmark building" but that's just a big excuse to put up a big, great...Rhonda, what are you doing? Rhonda: Exactly what you're suggesting! Tony: I didn't suggest anything... Rhonda: We need to make this a landmark! An iconic structure!
		Utopia-Dreamland/"The Whole Enchilada"	Natalie: Is anyone here not from media or PR? Woman 1: Community liaison. Natalie: Anyone involved in actual engineering or construction? Woman 2: Oh, I'd like to think we're all involved in getting a project... Natalie: [interrupting] Does anyone own a hard hat!? Katie: You wanted the team from Perth. Natalie: The construction team! They're all PR and marketing. [sighs] I should have picked it from their iPhone covers. Katie: Isn't that good? Natalie: Katie, we're not trying to sell a road, we're trying to build one. Katie: They said they were running it. Natalie: That's a sign of the times.
		Utopia-Dreamland/"Starting the Conversation"	Natalie: Who are we supposed to be engaging with? Rhonda: Our stakeholders! Natalie: What does that mean, though? Rhonda: What do you think it means? Natalie: The federal government who pay 5 billion dollars for a project. I call them a stakeholder. Rhonda: Yes. Natalie: Construction firms, financial institutions, expert consultants: stakeholders. Rhonda: Tick. Natalie: Some cranky retiree who suddenly discovered Facebook? I call him a pest. Rhonda: We can't afford to ignore anyone. Natalie: We can. Rhonda: No. We need to inform, engage, consult. What's the other one? Hugh: Collaborate? Rhonda: Yes. With all of our stakeholders. Natalie: In order to build what? Rhonda: Engagement! Honestly, when is that going to sink in?

Sorkin, Aaron		The West Wing/"Inauguration, Part 1"	Toby Ziegler: "This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force. That we use force whenever we see an injustice we want to correct. Like Mother Teresa with first-strike capability!" Will Bailey: "Damn right!"

Stratton, Christy	@christysmann	Modern Family/"Snow Ball"

Tatham, Chuck	@unclechunkies	Arrested Development/"Development Arrested"	Lucille: "We'll pay them off. We'll call it an accrued cash dividend. But they won't get their money until they sign a document at the party promising not to sell for 10 years." Michael: "So it's embezzlement, bribery, and conspiracy." Lucille: "And a whole lot of love." Michael: "Oh right: And perjury."

Teverbaugh, Michael	@mtever57	Better Off Ted/"The Impertence of Communicationizing"	"It's like my feelings are itchy...I think it's an emotion, like joy or spicy food."

Vallely, Jim		Arrested Development/"Ready, Aim, Marry Me!"	"Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?" "Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi." "And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy."
		Arrested Development/"Development Arrested"	Lucille: "We'll pay them off. We'll call it an accrued cash dividend. But they won't get their money until they sign a document at the party promising not to sell for 10 years." Michael: "So it's embezzlement, bribery, and conspiracy." Lucille: "And a whole lot of love." Michael: "Oh right: And perjury."

Weiner, Ron	@ronjatwo	30 Rock/"Today You Are a Man"	"I'd hate for people to realize that your 'charity' is just a front that has done nothing to make this country safer from Godzilla attacks." "If anything, I've increased the likelihood!"

Young, Jordan		Better Off Ted/"Change We Can't Believe In"	"The company loves money. If they could, they'd go to strip clubs and throw naked women at money."

Zuker, Danny	@dannyzuker	Modern Family/"Leap Day"	"It's happened! Satan's Trifecta!"

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